I’m an idiot.

I’m a idiot.

I’m trying not to make this post just say “I’m an idiot” a hundred times, but that’s totally how I feel.

I’m working on applying to grad school for next fall. I kind of decided on a whim that I would go back to school and really devote myself to being educated and getting a good job and being all successful. This was a decision I made after a bad breakup. I also cut my hair. It was a rough period for me.

I don’t know what I was thinking, since I’m not exactly the picture of a career driven, motivated woman. My dream is to be a stay at home mom, for Christ’s sake.

Anyway, I decided to go back to school. I picked some programs I thought sounded interesting and registered for the GRE. The GRE costs $160. This is highway robbery if you ask me, but since no one did I paid the $160. I wrote down the test date on numerous calendars, told people all about having to take the GRE. Then I spent some more money on a GRE prep book and enthusiastically threw myself into studying. Until I lost interest, around the math section. I suck at math.

So today rolled around, GRE test day. I’d lost interest in studying. I’d lost interest in going back to school (what’s the point? The economy sucks. I can’t get a new job anyway, like the GRE is gonna help), got back with the boyfriend so life changes didn’t seem necessary, and decided I would just throw myself into becoming a writer. You don’t need an advanced degree for that!

But I’d already paid for the test, so I figured I’d just do my best and apply to school anyway, just to see what would happen.

Spent the morning doing a bit of last minute prep (making sure my hair looked good) and went into my email to write down the address of the test center from the confirmation email they sent me (last week, so weird) when I noticed my test date was for LAST SATURDAY. Fuck me sideways. I missed the damn GRE. And wasted $160. I am too depressed for any words other than “I’m an idiot.”

I’m trying to see this as a blessing in disguise. Like, “You can’t decided on a whim to go back to school and expect to have everything ready to go in three months! That’s insane!” So I decided to take my time with it. One of the schools has a May application deadline, so I might re-register for the GRE and just apply to that school for the fall. Maybe I’ll just get all my shit together and plan on applying for next spring. I don’t know yet. Maybe I’ll just go write a book in the meantime and it will be wildly successful. I don’t know, but somehow this still feels like a weight off of my shoulders.

An expensive, $160 weight. That makes me wish I didn’t go on that shopping spree at Zara the other day. But no way in hell am I returning anything. Especially not those dreamy boots. At least now I don’t feel so overwhelmed and hurried. But yeah, that’s my day.

I’m an idiot.

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