Tag Archives: about me

Engagements

It’s that time of year again. Engagement Season. I don’t know what it is about the holidays, but once you reach your 20s suddenly all winter long people are popping the question. My Facebook newsfeed is riddled with pictures of diamond rings and happy couples, and every day I hear a new “Oh, did you hear? So-and-so got engaged!” story. Most recently was my cousin, who has known his new fiance for less than two months.  That one stung for a second, until I realized how completey insane it is for a 25 year old to be proposing to someone he’s known for less than two months.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for ten years. Yes, you read that right – ten years. Since I was fifteen. Do I have a ring on my finger? No. Am I upset about this? Not anymore. I definitely used to be – it caused a pretty nasty and devastating breakup a few months ago, at our ten month anniversary, when I did not receive the ring I had been expecting (and had already picked out and given him the details of).

That breakup and all the “state of our relationship” talks that came after it was a big eye opener. It made me realize that I wanted to be engaged because so many other people were already there, and I felt like I deserved it more. I mean, ten years, people. Never mind that year nine of our relationship hadn’t been stellar – a ring would fix that. Never mind that my boyfriend wasn’t ready to be engaged – he’d warm up to the idea once he saw how nice that ring looked on my finger. I shouldn’t have even been surprised when our ten year anniversary came and went without a ring – without even a celebration. I was trying to make our relationship into something it just was not, and would never be. Did this mean we shouldn’t be together? Was our relationship doomed to always fail? I thought so, at first.

Then I thought about why I felt we should be getting engaged in the first place – because it was what people were expecting. It was what I was expecting. Did I really care if we got engaged? Not really. I don’t even love the idea of having a wedding. We both still want to be together, and both still want to get married, so does it really matter when we get engaged? I know it will happen when the time is right for both of us, and I know it will be a complete surprise, and what girl doesn’t want her proposal to be a complete surprise? In the meantime, I’ll enjoy the relationship we have right now.   Because really, when you get engaged, wouldn’t you rather people were saying “Finally!” than “Already?!”

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I’m an idiot.

I’m a idiot.

I’m trying not to make this post just say “I’m an idiot” a hundred times, but that’s totally how I feel.

I’m working on applying to grad school for next fall. I kind of decided on a whim that I would go back to school and really devote myself to being educated and getting a good job and being all successful. This was a decision I made after a bad breakup. I also cut my hair. It was a rough period for me.

I don’t know what I was thinking, since I’m not exactly the picture of a career driven, motivated woman. My dream is to be a stay at home mom, for Christ’s sake.

Anyway, I decided to go back to school. I picked some programs I thought sounded interesting and registered for the GRE. The GRE costs $160. This is highway robbery if you ask me, but since no one did I paid the $160. I wrote down the test date on numerous calendars, told people all about having to take the GRE. Then I spent some more money on a GRE prep book and enthusiastically threw myself into studying. Until I lost interest, around the math section. I suck at math.

So today rolled around, GRE test day. I’d lost interest in studying. I’d lost interest in going back to school (what’s the point? The economy sucks. I can’t get a new job anyway, like the GRE is gonna help), got back with the boyfriend so life changes didn’t seem necessary, and decided I would just throw myself into becoming a writer. You don’t need an advanced degree for that!

But I’d already paid for the test, so I figured I’d just do my best and apply to school anyway, just to see what would happen.

Spent the morning doing a bit of last minute prep (making sure my hair looked good) and went into my email to write down the address of the test center from the confirmation email they sent me (last week, so weird) when I noticed my test date was for LAST SATURDAY. Fuck me sideways. I missed the damn GRE. And wasted $160. I am too depressed for any words other than “I’m an idiot.”

I’m trying to see this as a blessing in disguise. Like, “You can’t decided on a whim to go back to school and expect to have everything ready to go in three months! That’s insane!” So I decided to take my time with it. One of the schools has a May application deadline, so I might re-register for the GRE and just apply to that school for the fall. Maybe I’ll just get all my shit together and plan on applying for next spring. I don’t know yet. Maybe I’ll just go write a book in the meantime and it will be wildly successful. I don’t know, but somehow this still feels like a weight off of my shoulders.

An expensive, $160 weight. That makes me wish I didn’t go on that shopping spree at Zara the other day. But no way in hell am I returning anything. Especially not those dreamy boots. At least now I don’t feel so overwhelmed and hurried. But yeah, that’s my day.

I’m an idiot.

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